Sixers Roommates: Assigning the Rest of the Roster Their Freshman Housing
Alright, let’s figure this out.
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No joke, no backsies: That was Mike's tough-but-fair official ruling on Ben Simmons' media-day quip earlier this week that he and Joel Embiid were going to be moving in together this month to get closer before the start of this regular season (somehow now just two weeks away lol). So that's it: Hopefully our superstar duo can find a nice two-bedroom in Old City to work on their off-court chemistry in the privacy of their own shared home, before bringing it to the not-Wells Fargo Center this Holiday season. If they can successfully navigate a dishwashing and laundry schedule, then solving the Washington Wizards' pick-and-roll defense should present no problem come opening night.
But of course, with our two best players setting the example, now it's incumbent on the rest of our roster to join up and bunker down together too. After all, it's a new era in Sixers basketball, with new leadership and hopefully a new culture, and a much-needed hard restart after the worst-case scenario close to last season. No veteran exemptions; this year, everyone's a freshman again, and they will be paired off and bundled together on Sixers Campus accordingly. Here's how the remainder of the rooming assignments should go:
Matisse Thybulle and Seth Curry
One's the active three-point percentage leader who regularly gets exposed on defense, and one's all-world defender at perpetual risk of shooting off the side of the backboard: They're the original odd couple! Maybe Seth and Matisse won't be able to teach other how to be two-way players just in a couple weeks of close proximity -- though c'mon, how much fun would that Footloose-style montage be? -- but at the very least, their games of one-on-one would be pretty intense unstoppable force-immovable object showdowns, getting each other's one-way skills razor-sharp. Plus, YouTube stardom is all well and good but it's about time that Matisse leveled up in terms of his celebrity profile; hanging out with a Curry (one married to a Rivers, no less) should be a good way to get that Q rating the needed boost.
Justin Anderson and Mike Scott
Seems impossible that they weren't already Sixers teammates once upon a time, no? These two should prove kindred spirits fairly quickly, both on and off the court -- like the Bash Brothers in D2: The Mighty Ducks, they'll spend most of their time raging to load music in their dorm room and getting into prank wars in the locker room, but occasionally they'll be called on to get in the game and hit John Collins with a joint clothesline. Of course, their primary responsibility will be dapping up Joel Embiid at every needed occasion -- and considering Jo's first game this season is against old foe (and one-time poster victim) Russell Westbrook, they'll want to get practicing right away on their exaggerated leaps off the bench while performatively holding their teammates and each other back from storming the court.
Dwight Howard and Danny Green
Sorry, Danny -- you can hang out with the cool kids once the season starts, but as the team's new Established Veteran Presence and the one guy with pre-existing Dwight Howard experience, he's your responsibility until informed otherwise. (It's either that or having Doc himself babysit Dwight, and he's got enough on his plate just figuring out rotations and whether the best approach with Ben Simmons is using double- or triple-reverse psychology.) Hopefully the two of them get along well enough from their previous stop together -- and maybe they can even make a thing out of being the only two players on the team with championships. Call their dorm room the "Room of Rings," let Dwight play bouncer at the door like Ernie and Kenny busting on Chuck. Uh uh uh, Terrance -- let me check that ring finger? Ah, sorry, not gonna be able to do it. Hey, maybe in June?
Shake Milton and Furkan Korkmaz
Our two-man bench microwave unit, Shake and Furk could certainly use the time together building rapport, getting their collective irrational confidence up, and agreeing to always listen patiently and attentively to one another's stories about the times they hit those game-winners against Portland and San Antonio. Plus, they can spend hours and hours deliberating what the best nickname for their friend duo is: Shake-and-Furk? Shake-and-Kork? Miltboy and Furkman? Master Shake and Jerky Furky? Ultimately, it's probably just whatever Tobias Harris calls them the first time he stops over to visit.
Tobias Harris and Tyrese Maxey
Speaking of Tobias, the highest-paid player on the team also gets the roommate pairing with the greatest degree of accountability: Taking young Tyrese under his wing, teaching him the ways of off-court diligence and civic responsibility, fending off any possible attempts by J.J. Redick to get him to come on his podcast. Their games might not be all that similar, but Harris can teach him from the experience of being a late-first-round pick who ground out a long, successful and handsomely rewarded NBA career. And if Maxey immediately out-performs his 21st draft slot and looks so promising that we end up dealing him quickly for veteran help, Tobi (traded four times before turning 27) should at the very least be able help him pack efficiently.
Ryan Broekhoff and Tony Bradley
The end of the bench guys, living like there's no tomorrow, which there very well might not be. It's the dorm room where the other guys come by to unwind, to complain about their roommates, to have a Yuengling or six and forget about the trials and tribulations of NBA life for a minute. Fun times -- everyone loves coming to Ryan and Tony's place -- except you never know when you're gonna show up and it's just Tony who opens the door. "Oh, Ryan? Yeah, he missed one practice too many so Doc sent him home for the semester. Just me now, but I think I'm getting assigned a new roommate in a couple weeks. Ish something, I think? I offered to show him around when he got here but apparently he knows the place pretty well already. I dunno, hopefully he's chill."