Spike Eskin's Top 20 Foods In Existence
We are still six weeks from basketball.
I don’t think any list of Top 20 Foods will compare to the one that Sixers Adam wrote about five weeks ago. It’s not that I doubt the honesty of AU’s list or Abbie’s list, but neither of them are as truly honest and from the heart as Adam’s. The kid just doesn’t like food that much. I think about it every day. Why is “chicken” one of his top twenty foods in the world? Well, you can usually count on it to be pretty filling.
My wife and I have learned to find different ways to do the same stuff while we avoid the close contact with others during the Covid-19 situation. Truth be told, it’s not totally different than it was prior to the pandemic.
On Saturday night, after dinner, I asked her, “what do you want to do now?” She responded, “let’s come up with our own top 20 foods lists.” I don’t believe she’s ever listened to the Ricky or really care at all about what happens on it. The food lists however, have caught her attention. She was incensed by Adam and AU’s and at least accepting of Abbie’s (Abbie’s List, AU’s List, Adam’s List). So I got some paper, and a couple of pens, and we got to work.
Everyone who has done this list so far has made it harder than it needs to be. This is the correct list.
#20 - Tortilla Chips
Any bag of tortilla chips in my household will be finished within 24 hours of it coming through the door. I’ll take a handful, take another handful, and then when it seems like there are three or fewer handfuls left in the bag, I’ll just eat the entire thing.
#19 - Any sort of Thai curry dish
When I was in high school, there was one Thai restaurant in Philadelphia that would serve us beer. I’d always get the Panang Beef. I don’t eat beef anymore but to this day, this is a dish that brings back my teen years.
#18 - Golden Grahams
The second best of all of the cereals, Golden Grahams is superior when it’s in between crunchy and totally milk logged. You’ve got to eat it fast because it doesn’t stay in this stage for very long.
#17 - Egg Rolls
I do not mean spring rolls, I mean egg rolls. The best ones I’ve ever had were the ones that Peking in the Granite Run Mall (RIP) had when I was a teenager. They were way too big and way too greasy. I have not yet had a vegan substitute for an egg roll that is good enough.
#16 - Spaghetti
I love just about any food that is instantly made better by more garlic and crushed red pepper.
#15 - Soft Pretzels
The good news is that the Covid-19 situation will finally force pretzel makers to separate the pretzels before putting them out in a public setting. What is with that anyway? I understand they need to be cooked together but why in the world can’t we cut them apart before putting them out into the world? It’s insane.
#14 - Olives
Olives are a litmus test for smart people. The more intelligent you are, the more you like olives. For me, the kalamata olive is ranked #1, with the standard green olive with the red thingy in it at #2. Standard, canned, black olives barely have any flavor and are a waste of time.
#13 - Nachos
Nachos are one of those things that yes, you can get a great vegan version of, but it’s definitely missing something. I’m not sure there is any sort of food anticipation I have like when I’m at some restaurant, we order nachos, and the giant plate of bad shit for you on chips gets placed in the middle of the table.
#12 - Avocados
One of the reasons that avocados don’t rank higher is that how good they are is very dependent on the correct amount of ripeness. A little underripe, they’re fucking impossible to cut properly. A little overripe, there’s black stuff in there that you have to wonder whether it will make you sick. Perfect ripeness, they can pretty much go on anything and make it better.
#11 - Sweet Potatoes
I do not mess around with the sweet potatoes that it seems like a lot of people are used to. No extra sugar or cinnamon or marshmallows or any of that nonsense. Just wrap that motherfucker in foil and put it in the oven for an hour. True story: Almost 20 years ago when I lost weight, I ate a sweet potato for dinner every night and carrots for lunch. My skin turned orange.
#10 - Ice Cream
There are very, very solid non-dairy options here (oat, cashew), that are getting better every day. Any time I’m at a restaurant and they don’t serve desert, I get furious. How difficult is it to keep a gallon of Breyer’s in the freezer?
#9 - Tacos
I’ll eat the soft shell but prefer the hard shell.
#8 - Frosted Mini-Wheats
The GOAT cereal, I could probably eat Frosted Mini-Wheats for every meal for the rest of my life and be fine with it. Also a very solid snack to just grab a handful of.
#7 - Swedish Fish
I prefer the little ones to the big ones, but beggars can’t be choosers. Better than every chocolate candy, the only competition that Swedish Fish have for the best candy are Sour Patch Kids.
#6 - Garlic
Yes, garlic is a food. Yes, it’s good on its own. If you don’t believe me, coat some bulbs of garlic in olive oil, and throw them in the oven for about a half hour (or longer). When they come out, dip your fork in there and just eat the garlic right out of the skin. Use it instead of butter on bread if you want to avoid using the milk of a cow which is really just meant for baby cows to consume and not humans.
#5 - Sandwiches
We’ve all got our favorites, but I think we can all agree that one of the. most disappointing parts of the war on carbs and the war on gluten, is that it makes an enemy out of sandwiches, which have a case for the greatest food in existence.
#4 - French Fries
Skinny ones, fat ones, salty ones, ones with seasoning on them, whatever. One of the ways to guarantee I’ll order an entree at any restaurant is to include fries. This does not include sweet potato fries, which sound like a great idea and are not.
#3 - Oatmeal
Aside from the year I did Whole 30 a few years back, I’ve eaten oatmeal for breakfast just about every morning for almost 20 years. When I say, “just about every morning,” I mean 999 out of 1000 days, not like four of seven or something. I don’t fuck with quick oats, I don’t fuck with “multigrain hot cereal,” I just fuck with standard rolled oats. I do however, fuck with overnight oats.
#2 - Pizza
How is anyone keeping pizza out of their top three? Liars, idiots, fools. As far as vegan options go (that include some sort of vegan cheese), I’d say 20th Street Pizza in Philly is the best I’ve had, and it’s pretty amazing. As far as just not including any cheese at all, I’d like to give credit to Thunderbird II in Springfield. For non-vegan options, I’d suggest (just like everyone else does) Tacconelli’s in Port Richmond, and Gaetano’s in Springfield. Special shout out to Pizza Hut in the late 80s.
#1 - Peanut Butter
First, when I’m talking about peanut butter, I’m talking about 100% natural, nothing added besides salt, peanut butter. Most grocery stores have several options, and they’re all good. Just eat it once, and you’ll realize it’s an entirely different game than what you grew up on. Peanut butter is the most versatile food in the world, as it’s a great ingredient in Thai food, ice cream, sandwiches, with salty things, sweet things, and just on its own. When I die, sprinkle some of my ashes in peanut butter (I asked my wife to put the rest into a basketball and have people shoot free throws with it).